Grant, my angel guide, (Why do people call them guardian angels? Grant is much more a Life Guide than a guard.) sometimes came across quite strongly. Once when I let myself drift into unworthy thoughts and desires, he woke me from a sensual dream with loud mental words: “Do not partake of this!!”
Sleep visits from evil spirits continued and I learned to allow them into my heart without giving in to their fury. To make them comfortable I learned to hide my love for them. Whenever I let them feel my love and hope for them, they would become enraged and depart. There were times when I was just too tired to deal with them and I chased them out by letting my heart fill with love and welcome.
After so many negative spirits visits over so many years, I prayed feeling a little frustrated and asked if there were no good spirits who would ever care to visit me. A week or so later a single spirit came in to my soul. I answered the vibrations and allowed him in. He was alone. (Evil spirits always came in huge groups) He moved around inside me doing something I could not perceive clearly. I tried to follow him and understand what he was doing. Finally, I said to him, “I serve Christ.” There was no response. This was quite unusual for evil spirits always reacted very negatively to the name of ‘Jesus Christ’ and my accompanying feeling of high regard for Christ. (I don’t feel it’s honest to claim to love someone I don’t really know.) After a moment I approached him again with the question: “How are you with Christ?” The explosion of righteous glory with the word: “FINE!!!” was so sudden and overwhelming that I blacked out and later woke with the same headache which often comes after strong spiritual experiences.
Other good spirits came and several visits were of a purpose I didn’t understand. I came to think of some of these spirits as performing a janitorial service. One visitor was a very special visit. I read in ACIM (A Course In Miracles) that every experience we have was chosen by us before it happened. In being faithful to us the Holy Spirit takes great care that we pass through each trial exactly as we requested. I thought of the Beth experience and I could not continue reading. I completely rejected the idea that I would ever have knowingly chosen that much pain. NO WAY! I would rather have starved or been crucified.
A couple of weeks later, still having trouble with that knowledge, I felt vibrations on my heart. I opened myself up, this time the spirit did not come in. It seemed shy, waiting for something. Sensing it beauty, I said, “I serve Christ.” It brightened and drew nearer but still did not come in. I thought for a moment, and remembered what I had read and giving in to the truth. I said, “I know that I chose everything I have experienced.” With that the spirit joined itself to me and filled me with its rejoicing. In a moment it was gone but it left me with it’s own surety of the principle. There are no accident and no coincident however life may seem to work. Everything is lovingly planned and executed as we wanted for our growth.
On another occasion I felt the vibrations and opened up my heart a beautiful spirit entered. In gazing upon the spirits who come to visit me, I can see all the qualities of their souls as they can see mine. (Is this the standing naked before God concept?) There were shy ones, good but not very personable ones, they came in great variety of types. The spirit present before me was not at all shy, hid nothing and seemed very friendly. He waited patiently while I continued to look upon him with the perception of my heart until I realized that there was no fault in him. He was perfect! Then I recognized him! It was the Holy Spirit! We laughed together. It was delightful to have puzzled Him out.
Hess (Holy Spirit: once you become good friends with someone, it’s just too weird to keep using their title, so I call Him Hess for short.) came to visit me from time to time. Early one morning during the week I was visiting my parents in Guatemala; Hess came three times. Each visit he filled me with love and glory. By the time I was fully awake I felt weak spiritually exhausted. But filled with overwhelming love for everyone. It was Sunday morning and I was filled to overflowing with the love of God. I just had to share the love He gave me with everyone I met. The slightest negativity was more painful than ever before. My heart was so open that I actually felt my heart touch one person I greeted.
While Hess’s visits were incredibly delightful; He never communicated anything. I began to wonder what he had to say. I wondered if he was speaking through someone else. Turned out he was. He was sharing Daily Thoughts of Awakening with Regina Dawn Akers. And later wrote a book through her. I came to love the book and thoughts even more than A Course In Miracles. The two sources came at Spirituality in such different but complimentary ways.
Coming in such close contact with the divine left me in love with perfection. I felt as if a great gift had been given me. Naturally I wanted to give something back. So, I asked what I could do. I was asked again to start a magazine about Spirituality. My heart felt heavy and discouraged. I already tried to start one years before and I couldn’t get it going. But I began exploring other means and I learned about electronic magazines of E-zines. While I was looking into this Grant spoke to me again (to clarify Grant doesn’t always ‘speak’ to me. Sometimes he simply impresses a thought or an idea onto my heart and mind for a moment; no words used. Such was the case here.) and told me that Jesus wanted to meet me.
That was too much to take and I stopped being a vegetarian. I knew I did not want to meet Jesus. No way! I had been reading about the lives of those who served Christ. Their lives always got messed up badly and some quickly died. I had a good job and I did not want to lose it. Some think that things have changed and now people would be more receptive to the word of Christ. I don’t see it. I have shared beautiful and holy things and seen them treated as worthless and then been excluded by society for what I shared. I believe that as long as there is pride, greed, insecurity and evil in the hearts of men, the words of God will not be welcome. My words will attack politics, religions, business and unions alike. I was painfully unpopular in my youth. I would rather not return to that experience.
The experiences the several paragraphs above most all took place in Sister Bush’s basement where I lived with a friend: Rodney Heslington. A few years earlier as just after I finished divorcing Nohemi but before I met Frecia, I met a lovely young Lady Kristy Allen. I found her very appealing and felt something special quickly growing. Maybe she did too. She told me that she had decided to go on a mission. She saw the crestfallen look on my face. Seemed there was always a reason someone I started to love was destined to part from me. She asked if I didn’t think it was a good idea that she go. I emphatically said that there was probably no greater thing she could do for God and herself than go on a mission to serve the Lord. But that for me I would miss her and probably just move on. She left and I met and married Frecia. The events of chapter 9 followed. When I moved out from living with my father by coincident (really by my Life Guide’s design) I moved into the same single’s ward she had come home to a year or so earlier. She learned about my second divorced. Divorced LDS are not cherished. I lived under a cloud of shame in that single’s ward. She put up a friendship wall between us and I learned to keep the distance she required. That wall bothered me. She might sit next to me in Sacrament meeting maybe once or twice a year. But she had made it clear she would not go out with me or that we would ever be more than friends. But then I had a vision of her smiling and walking towards me with her blond hair down in a particular style. I felt a little wary of inspiration because no matter what inspiration I received; it did not turn out well for me. A couple of years later I found her at church with her hair just that way asking her friends if it was too much. Regrettably I was feeling carefree and in a good mood and said, “No Kristy. It is beautiful! I have been waiting to see you wear it that way ever since I saw you in a vision like that.” There was dead silence. Everyone scattered and Kristy turned away. She didn’t wear her hair like that again for a long time. Visions and the gifts of the Spirit belong in the ancient past. They have no place in the presence.
Some time later a handsome charismatic young man from Argentina moved into the ward. He took one look at Kristy and decided she was the one. He spoke little English so she invited me supposedly to translate; but really it was to keep a careful distance from his eagerness. In my short time with him I was very impressed. But she was not. That evening after we dropped him off (we were in her car) I told her I thought maybe she wasn’t really giving him a fair chance. From what I gathered he was a very fine fellow. Having just arrived here in the States he was going to be starting with a lot of challenges. I let her go and went inside my basement apartment.
When I woke the next morning I rolled over in bed to share a thought with my wife Kristy. !!! Only then did I realize she wasn’t there, and then was surprised to realize I wasn’t married to her. But I felt I was. I was way past friendship. I was in love and married to her. But she had made it clear that I was never to push past that friendship wall she had put up. Over and over again in the next few days I would turn to her to share some loving thought with her only to find and she wasn’t there.
It didn’t help that suddenly she was very friendly and again wore here hair that way. But I was too certain she would not accept me. When I finally did try. The wall was back, the hair was changed, it was ‘No’ and I promised her I would not bother her again. I moved out of the ward to get away from the pain. That was my first spiritual divorce. My feelings for her were so strong and real. The divorces with Nohemi and Frecia were far less painful that my departure from hope with Kristy.
Not long after I left the young adult ward, I finished my degree in Biology but had not found a great job. I was in DI shopping. Di is my favorite store. A young black lady was working there from Brazil. She became very friendly and eager to know me when she met my kids and learned that their mother was from Brazil too. Her name was Josie and I felt that open heart feeling but the kids were impatient to get going and I lost track of her. I met her at a dance a few months later and at the end of the dance a voice came into my mind, “She is your wife.” I was looking at her and I think she felt something too. I tried to start a relationship with her but the eagerness was gone and nothing came of it.
My parents urged me to work harder at seeking a job and helped me find one. I began working at Schiff Nutrition testing the vitamins they made in a lab. (My father had told me I needed to get a job in a lab.) After the very first day of work, a young lady named Minh Vu joined me walking out to the parking lot. I was very comfortable next to her. I later came to admire and love her. But she grew cold to me as I warmed up to her.