I prayed and asked that there be no more inspiration or divine intervention regarding who I should marry. But I would like to meet someone with whom the relationship would develop into a marriage. A month or too later I was at a party with Janet and Roger Vogler’s family. I overheard of there being difficulty in finding someone who was supposed to come help but had gotten lost. I didn’t think much of it. But she finally arrived and joined the party waiting for it to finish so she could work on the cleanup and make a few dollars. I tried to engage her in conversation but she wasn’t really interested. I kind of gave upon her and then in the quiet of the moments that followed I looked into my heart regarding her. Surprise…My heart was wide open (such a rare feeling! It hadn’t opened for Nohemi or Frecia.) and indicated clearly that she was one I could marry. It wasn’t love at first sight. I felt nothing for her. I simply intellectually knew that she and I could marry and make it last. I pressed her to talk to me which she did a little reluctantly. Her name was Lourdes Delia Alarcon Morales. She was not interested in dating me, but I pushed and she gave in. After a few months of where I had shown her my life, my kids, my ex-wives and everything I could about myself, I asked her to marry me. She said no. I told her I wasn’t mad. But I would not be bothering her again.
About 3 days later I was fighting with my kids over something and she called. She asked me to come over. I told her no; it wasn’t a good time. (She lived all the way across town.) She asked me again to come over and asked me to bring the ring I had offered her before. That changed everything! I went over to visit her. She had me talk to her parents first and get their approval. Then she accepted the ring and we were engaged. We were married civilly a short time later on December 12, 2001.
Our relationship was rather stormy. I would treat her with impatience, but she was strong and would not put up with my crap. She demanded many changes that were very hard to make. But our daughter was born and we named her Myra Lynn Castleton. She quickly became a delightfully happy child. Trouble between us continued. Time after time I would see in her eyes the decision to end the relationship and leave. I would humble myself and work hard to make her happy again. Our marriage lasted by both of us repeatedly humbling ourselves and pulling back from the divorce abyss. I prayed often. More than 5 or 6 times I saw the divorce pending in her eyes. I begged God for help to end my terrible temper. I was quietly led to know that if I controlled my diet and went back to veganism, I would also be able to control my temper. It has worked wonderfully. But I miss the taste of meat and sometimes indulged. Soon after I find myself indulging my temper.
One weekend my wife and I went looking for rings. We had been married for about a year and a half, but rings were not a part of her culture and she had lost the one I gave her. (I wonder if it was because Frecia had help me find it to give to her.) We found and purchased new rings. I could see that this was really moving to her. The next morning (Sunday) I got out of bed and began to dress and the voice of Jesus came into my mind and said, “You may rest assured, salvation always comes, when you are ready.” It was a peaceful relaxing feeling. I wasn’t sure how I knew it was him. I knew in the same way you know the voice of a family member calling or talking to you on the phone.
Myra, one day when she was around 6 years old created a depiction of the crucifixion on printer paper. She made this out of que tips, colored pencils and a no. 2 pencil. The three crosses were made from taped que tips. After she had finished completing it she evaluated against the other portraits she had seen in church of Jesus. Immediately she was overcome with deep shame as she saw that this was nothing compared to those works made by masterful artists. Suddenly she was overcome with the presence of the Holy Spirit and lifted up off the floor in ecstasy. When it was over, she came to tell me. But I didn’t listen. A few years later she told me again and told me I should have listened the first time.
My wife Lu decided to go back to school and become a chemist. Most jobs she had tried didn’t work for her. A little before she finished her BS degree, she got a job at Schift Nutrition in the same lab with me, but working on stability.
For a couple of days one week, Minh didn’t show up. I asked about her and learned that her little sister had died of Leukemia. I felt so sorry for her. The next Monday she was back. She was literally glowing with joy and love. I was suddenly a little afraid to be near her. She seemed so bright with the God glory. I can only speculate that maybe she had been praying for her little sister. Though her sister had died, God had blessed Minh with peace and love. A year or so later Minh traveled to Vietnam to visit her cousins there. She was invited to a magic show. She attended but the magic didn’t happen. Finally the magician looked around the audience and spotted her. He told her she had to leave and refunded her money. She sat outside and waited for the show to get over to go home with the rest of her cousins. When she got back to the states, she came to me and told me what had happened and asked me why. I explained that I had seen her glowing with God’s love sometime back after the funeral of her sister. Her love of God pushed away evil. The dark spirit that worked with the magician couldn’t be in her presence anymore than darkness can stay in a room when you turn the light on. She seemed satisfied.
A year or so later a group of chemists were talking about death. The invited me to comment. I jokingly said that I had already died once and looked forward to it eagerly. They wanted to know what I was talking about. I told them about the dream I had when I was about 8-9 years old. (mentioned in chapter one.) One of them asked me to describe my wife. I began to describe her and Minh walked up. I said that she was a lot like Minh. Then I realized that she was Minh. I said, “Minh, I first saw you when I was 8 years old!” She, embarrassed, left. Everyone else scattered too. Everyone knew my wife was Lourdes and Minh and my wife were friends.
In 2011? A cookware salesman came to our home. I pointed out that though I wanted to hear and learn about his product, we would not be buying it because our money was already invested in a new driveway. After a few minutes of explaining his product, he changed the subject and started talking about how his new wife had a few years before lost her 6-year-old. Her daughter had been taken from her quite suddenly. He launched into a long painful story of what had happened and how things had developed afterwards.
I was deeply moved. I felt their pain and loss. I turned to Grant and said, “This isn’t right! This needs to be fixed. Something needs to be done!” He responded very loudly in my mind, but I didn’t understand what he said for a couple of weeks. Probably since it had been so long since I had really reached out to him; there was a bit of a barrior to reach him.
Then suddenly I had it: he had said, “Yes, DO IT!” I stumble around with that. Wondering how I could help. A week or so later my neighbor’s utility trailer was stolen. I mentioned it to Grant. He replied, “The location of the trailer is well known.” I kind of asked where it was. But didn’t try too hard. How was I to find it? Was he hinting that I had the ability to find it?
Schiff Nutrition was sold to another company. Everything changed and I wasn’t comfortable at work. Coming back from Oregon on highway 20 it was late at night and I was thinking of my job and wondering what I should do. I wasn’t really praying but suddenly my heart spoke, “Quit!” I decided that I would start looking for another job. Once I had a new job, I would quit. Then my heart spoke loudly again, “No, Quit Now!” So Monday morning I went in and submitted a 2 week resignation. Other departments there at the company liked me and tried to give me a job. But someone there higher up didn’t and stopped that from happening. A month or so later I got a job in Springville. I liked it very much and the people were great.
I screwed up bad in 2014, (not morally, but stupidly) and my wife asked me to move out. She had decided to divorce me. I didn’t’ want to divorce her and was going to fight it. I prayed and asked Grant how I could save our marriage. Grant told me to help her do it. (He didn’t use words but his response was clear and emphatic. “Help her do it.” To make it easy and be generous in the process. I thought that was a rotten way to save our marriage; I was sure that would end it quickly and thought that maybe Grant wanted me single again. So I showed my wife some websites that showed her how to do it. I went over how much the courts would most likely give her in child support. I offered to separate our finances and start immediately to pay child support. We did a pretend divorce. I apologized for my mistakes but gave her all the space she needed. I had our kids every other week-end. After about a year she told me that I shouldn’t be wasting so much money on rent and asked me to move back in with her. I did and the divorce was never realized. Grant was right again.
A new person was put in charge of the lab and began to hunt down and fire people without real cause. Two good people were fired and then she came after me. I knew my time was up and began to look for a new job. Most in the lab were very upset with her and there was movement to go against her as a group. I felt such great fear when I had to go visit her. Once when I was about to go into her office, I had been praying hard about her. I knew that God loved everyone. I knew that I should pray for her as Jesus had said: pray for your enemies. I did pray for her because she was my enemy. But with my hand on the door knob to her room; I reached out again to the divine. Suddenly I saw her through God’s eyes. How He delighted in her! I was filled with such over whelming love for her. I walked in and everything changed. We laughed and joked together. I had no fear of her. My feeling had changed from night to day in that instant.
While I was transitioning from my job and marriage; something happened that left me puzzled for a while. There was a considerable commute from my job to home. On the way home I would listen to music and let my mind relax. Once or twice when I was in that state a thought would come clear and strong into my mind: “Marry me.” I was still married to Lou. Was I making it up? I could be thinking of car problems, or of things going on in the lives of my kids and then suddenly the thought would come into my mind, “Marry me.” Not with great force or push. It just repeatedly came into my mind. I would discard it as a senseless thought but then a few days later it would pop up again. I prayed and asked where it was coming from. I realized it was the Holy Spirit. I hadn’t heard from him/her since Guatamala. I began to say yes. And even propose an engagement period. Then I took over and would say to Hess, “Marry me.” Marriage is a good description of the kind of relationship that I want with the Holy Spirit. I still say it from time to time. But now it no longer comes. But wouldn’t it be great to be able to reach out to the Holy Spirit and depend on Her/Him just like we do our spouse?
But I had started looking for a new job and I was given one at IMflash which was later purchased by Texas Instruments.
In April of 2021, I had a dream that I was talking to someone at the end of my driveway. I lived high up in the mountains. I loved my home and the setting. It was a very vivid and colorful dream. When I began to wake up and I realized it was just a dream I tried to go back into the dream. I loved that place so much! I began searching for that home and ended buying a home in Timberlakes, Heber that more or less matched the dream. Here the air is so clean, I had been getting sick in the winters in West Valley City because of the pollution in the air.
I have an apple box full of diaries and other things I have written. Looking through this accumulation of memories I find myself writing of the many times when I have hiked through forests, walked down roads and spent late evenings in cemeteries praying to the Lord for help in fulfilling my dreams and His promises. There were so many times my heart ached with prayer. My diaries are full of times when I was trying to work something out in the Lord. I don’t know that any of my dreams will come true. I do know that I don’t regret the searching nor the pain.
These are the things that give my life meaning and make joy really possible. Looking back, I remember how many times my father told me to go to school, get a career and settle down. He thought I spent too much of my time aimlessly wandering in search of myself. I only feel sorry for those who think that they have found real meaning or purpose in careers, family, and money. These aren’t bad if they don’t distract from God, but meaning or worth is not something we get automatically from life. Rather life is an opportunity to create meaning and worth. Some choose not to and instead sadly waste life. Anthony Millar said that on his LDS mission a voice spoke to him and said, “The purpose of life is to live with gratitude for the opportunity to participate in the lives of others.” That’s one of those sparkling gems of pure knowledge. So true! What better way to fulfillment than through seeking the divine and share it with others. I was never aimless; my choices may not have made much sense to others, but I was never without direction, except when I allowed doubts to lower my heart into despair. But I never could stay there long. It’s not natural for me. Neither for anyone I know though some spend an inordinate amount of time there.
Several years have passed and I have been left alone. My life is good but I miss the divine. I’ve lost some good friends and the fun experiences which went with knowing them. So, I am once again creating this website. I have written out a lot of things that pressed on my heart and mind. I really like some of the new media like instagram. I am planning on talking about spiritual matters. I hope that by doing it I will once again find my friends and perhaps gain the confidence and desire to know Christ and go back to being a vegetarian.