While these things were going on, I worked at the MTC (Missionary Training Center They changed the place and name.) teaching Indonesian to new missionaries. I loved it, but the last of the missionaries were leaving soon; I would be out of a job. My supervisor and other teacher’s senior to me were making other plans and told me I should do the same. I prayed and was told, “Stay.” My brother had gotten into a sales program and wanted me to work under him in Arizona. He told me I should ignore the voice. I tried but when I prayed, I was told again, “Stay.” Staying was clearly a dead end. After a lot of back and forth between Haydn and the Spirit and continually checking at my job for changes which were not happening, I decided to go with Haydn. After all this was the same voice which told me I would marry Marie, look how well that was working out.
Some good things happened. But one of them was not money. I became sold on not selling. I seemed to see a valuable part of my friends’ souls sold along with the product. I had a great time meeting a lot of fine people and wasn’t upset by not selling. While there Marie was engaged and I went through a crisis over it. But by the time she got married, I had long since quit thinking that things would go as I hoped, so it didn’t bother me.
There was a nasty shadow cast over my integrity while I was in Arizona. I was accused of something awful, but wasn’t told what. I was never allowed to find out. Leaders of my church would just look at me and say nothing. To this day, I don’t know what the accusation was. I did live with a very lascivious fellow who had the same first name and who’s general description would fit mine. I wonder if he did something and I received the blame. The important thing is that I learned how distasteful it is to have my integrity doubted and how impossible it can be to clean it up. I know I was innocent of whatever wrong I was accused, but no one would talk to me. The sad thing is that those who pass such judgments on others and refuse to deal openly and reasonably with the accused will do the same to themselves.
The most outstanding experience in Arizona was meeting Eddy Mares. He was just about the nicest guy I have ever known. He had joined the Church long before I met him. Soon after his baptism members began pushing him to go on a mission. He wanted to, but when he prayed; he was told not to go. A lot of people thought him mistaken. They thought that Eddy was getting false inspiration. I wondered too.
Then one evening we were talking about it and I asked him if anyone else had found Christ because of his conversion. There were about forty or fifty people who had joined the Church from knowing Eddy. I laughed. Why would anyone care if he went on a mission! He was working miracles right now. Before others judge him, let the Lord would work through them as He was through Eddy. I told him I felt just fine about his decision. He never did go. Years later I asked him how many had come into the church through his efforts. There were about 500. He didn’t think it was a big deal; it was God working. What a great attitude.
In a single’s ward in Tucson one young man got up and told how one night he awoke out of his sleep and saw standing at the foot of his bed Jesus Christ. They looked at each other for a moment; Christ smiled and left. He thought it was nice of Christ to visit him. He apologized saying he wasn’t sure this story would mean much to anyone; he hoped he hadn’t wasted our time. With that he sat down.
I knew he had really seen Christ! It was the same quiet certainty which I had felt when Elder Wipple said we were going to Indonesia. There were things this made me face. Christ is an infinite being. He could appear to all of us at the same time if He wanted. God isn’t too busy to visit us. Since He loves us, the problem must lie with our readiness to see Him. His testimony made me feel the nearness and availability of Christ. It meant a lot to me.
I’ve had only two dreams of Christ and they are both rather vague. In one a lot of people are chasing Him and I wanted desperately to stop them from trying to kill him. I believed in Him. But there was something wrong with my mouth; I couldn’t speak. In another dream I am in priesthood meeting. We are introduced to our new teacher. He begins to teach us. There is nothing about him so that one could tell him apart from anyone else other than his words. The things he says are increasingly difficult to hear. The rest of the class have turned against Him. They want Him to leave because of what He’s said. Some have even started throwing things. I can hardly stand it either. That’s when I realize that the person speaking is Christ. It’s not His face, but His words which really pull at my heart. I can’t believe it. He is dressed in a suit and tie. As He walks past me, He turns smiling to me and says that all my sins are forgiven. The part of me that refuses to believe is outraged, But the part that recognizes Him wants to worship and hold on to Him. I am left stunned and unmoving as He walks away.
From Arizona I moved on to Lordsburg, New Mexico. One old man kindly invited me into his house to hear my sales pitch. When I finished, he apologized for being unable to afford what I was selling. He was too nice to pressure and we talked a little more. He invited me to see his rock collection. I agreed: I had one of my own. It was a grand collection. I spent about an hour exclaiming over each rock. Then he took me in to meet his wife. She was in the last stages of multiple scleroses and lay in bed all day curled up. All the tendons in her arms and legs pulled her bones into contorted positions. Movement was extremely difficult. She very sweetly asked me lots of questions about myself. When it was time to leave the gentle man gave me a sack full of rocks. He selected for me all the ones I liked the most. I refused. I couldn’t take them from him. He insisted explaining that he was blind and couldn’t see them anyway. There were no children to give them to and he knew I appreciated them. I took them with promises to remember him. Despite their problems, they were the healthiest people I met that summer.
Totally broke back in Utah I was told a lot of missionaries for Indonesia had come through just after I left; there had not been enough teachers. If I had stayed as I had been told, I would have had more work than I could handle, and I would have headed that division of the teaching staff. There would have been easily enough money to go on with school.
I went home, worked in our family business, and by Christmas I was back at BYU. I had a 1965 VW I had gotten from Arizona. In Provo I saw a 69 VW station wagon I wanted. I thought that it would be a better car in case I got married. But I decided to pray about it. Before I could kneel, the voice said, “Buy it.” So, I thanked the Lord and bought the car using my car in trade. The bug had been a good car and I asked the Lord if he wouldn’t make sure someone fine got it. Later I found out that one of my favorite companions had bought it.
I got a job working at the BYU bookstore upstairs in texts. I noticed a beautiful blond girl named Beth, who also worked there. She didn’t seem too bright and I had little to do with her. Because of her looks a lot of guys sought after her attention; that alone made me want distance from her. Most lovely women getting a lot of attention developed a harsh pride. Those who went out with her told me that she was a big disappointment.
While doing my home teaching, I mentioned her as poor example of a Mormon woman. I felt that women should be motivated and outgoing. Enid Green, a law student, rebuked me for being judgmental. She insisted I had not given Beth a proper chance. Enid insisted I go out with Beth. I was surprised at the lecture and I assured her I would ask Beth out. I did, and nearly died from the most beautiful and painful experience of my life. She remains a much greater part of me than I can ever tell.
Beth was as beautiful inside as out. She had read the name Joseph Smith in a high school text book and felt an urge to search for more information about him. This led to her and most the family joining the Church. She was extremely sensitive to truth. She hated gossip and loved integrity. I had never met anyone who had ethics so high and so strong.
I took her to a dance in my ward. After dancing with her a little while I told her that I always felt I should reach out to the other girls in my ward and make sure that all of them got out on the floor for a little fun.
“Beth, do mind if I leave you for a bit?” I asked. She nodded.
“I know you don’t know anyone here, but some of these guys really need to know someone with your standards. Your beauty would give them a boost too.”
“You go ahead, I’ll be fine,” insisted Beth.
“You’re sure?”
“Yeh”
I left her and danced with some of the girls in my ward who hadn’t been on the floor much. I noticed Beth with gut in my ward who had been feeling very depressed. I was glad and wondered how she knew to choose him. I came back to her and she started to introduce him.
“Laird do you know Ken?”
“Actually, I do, Ken how have you been?”
He was doing well and I excused Beth and I from him for another dance.
“That was such a neat thing you did Beth. He has been very depressed. I’ll bet you gave his spirit quite a lift. We should always try to include others in the love we feel. I couldn’t have chosen you a better person for you to reach out to.”
Beth looked up into my face with a strange expression and collapsed into my chest. If I had not held her, she would have been on the floor. It was not a hug, but it felt great. Immediately she recovered, pushed herself away and continued dancing for a moment. I was smiling, feeling great and she collapsed again into my arms. I held her up and she pushed me away.
“Laird, I can’t dance with you anymore.”
She turned and walked rapidly away towards the coat closet. I went after her.
“Beth, what’s wrong? Are you all, right?”
“Laird I’m falling in love with you, and you said you’re going to marry Marie. I can’t stand to feel this way about you and know you’re going to leave.”
“I’m not in love with Marie, and if you do love me, I don’t feel it’s wrong to marry you. I’ll leave Marie to the Lord.”
We talked more and went back out onto the floor. Dancing with her had a whole new feel to it. I was in love for the first time. It felt glorious. I had never thought people literally fell in love as she had.
I was excited. I loved to talk about God; so, did she. We were in love, but she hesitated to commit to marriage. Waiting for her began to hurt. Hurting brought out the jerk in me and eventually she left. I felt the Spirit telling me that she would come back. She didn’t. I knew she wouldn’t. I knew how I had hurt her. I couldn’t accept the answer the Spirit sent me. Revelation meant the pain of despair. But prayer brought nothing else.
Once when I was talking to my roommate and explaining to him how badly I missed Beth, something remarkable happened. Jerry suddenly stood as if something had a hold of him and declared that I would marry Beth. A very surprised and nonplussed look came over his face. He left the room. When he came back, he said I would marry someone like her. But I knew what he had said first was what the Lord wanted me to hear. With Beth so heavy on my mind, I could not continue in school; I planned to leave Provo and live with my sister Anne in Texas. A few days before I left and Beth was to be married, I walked into the Wlkinson center and turned to go down a hallway. Beth had noticed me before I saw her and whirled around to escape facing me. I couldn’t help notice her measured step and erect stance. She didn’t want me to notice her so I pretended I hadn’t. I whistled my way past her, not quite brushing her shoulder and did not look back as I took the steps up to the next level two or three at a time.
While I worked there, I struggled with all I had been through. There were two major thoughts on my mind. One was that I had come to see two ways where people may experience growth. Some gain greater understanding or wisdom; things happen to them, and they appear to flex their minds and grow, making choices and taking chances they earlier would not have considered. Schooling helps this. But there is another and higher way to grow.
The second type (not all that rare) are those who raise their ethics and become more trustworthy and responsible. Their awareness of God and of His peace and joy increases. Therefore, the good they do is likewise given increase. They study to become more loving and kinder. So, they come to feel more loved by the Lord. They seem to be the ‘well of water springing up unto everlasting life’ that the Lord mentioned. Christ said that those who believe and follow Him will do as great and greater works than He did. This seems rarely associated with religious authority; though most religions do try to associate godliness with their leaders. The miracles and goodness of Christ and not high position are the signs of this second type of growth. Alarmingly I found only a little of this change in myself. I knew that not to grow in this way was to die still alive.
The other thought which possessed me was what had changed in me when Beth left. Before Beth the subject of polygamy was a negative one. It was completely unfair to women. I couldn’t see how God could have any part of it. But when Beth started dating her new boyfriend, I had no feelings against him. I just didn’t want to lose her. She could have as many other guys as she wanted as long as she continued to love me and I was allowed to love and be near her. Talking about polygamy with mom, I realized polygamy no longer bothered me. Whether there were many men with one woman or many women with one man, it didn’t matter, as long as it was given of God; and the love was true. It surprised me to find a very fundamental part of myself so drastically changed. I wondered how it had happened. There was no clear logical explanation. I knew that the pain of losing Beth must have provided the environment. Beyond that I didn’t know.
After a few months in Texas, I was feeling secure and fairly happy, for almost no one mentioned Beth’s name. It was three years before I could hear her name and not feel a chill go through me. Whenever I prayed about her or about Donny and Marie, I was assured that it would be as I had been told. I really didn’t like struggling to believe. It was hard. I asked the voice to cease giving me information about the future and just teach me wisdom. The voice became silent and I found if I asked, I could understand things about the scriptures I had never known before. I developed theories of my own about the way the world was created and how the Lord works with us. It was more peaceful than when I asked about my own troubles.
The voice came and told me to go home. I was not wanted at home because I had argued with mom and really hurt her. So, dad told me not to come and that there were no jobs available. I prayed again and was told again to go home. I decided that if the Lord opened up the way to leave Texas peaceably I would. Well one person needed the hours my leaving would provide and I had such a good time telling my friends goodbye that I knew it was the right thing for me to do.