In Washington I used to visit a family called the Valentines. They were some of the happiest and most trusting in the Lord of any folk I knew. The gifts of God including healing, knowledge and wisdom often visited that home. I only mention them because over the years I have known them they have always been joyful. Their troubles have never subtracted from their welcome of any who came into their home. Many turned towards the Lord because of being close to the Valentines. Rex was the father; a very open-minded man and a real estate agent. I often talked with him about Christ and the way He works in our lives. Rex would go out of his way to help people. He showed my dad where to wisely invest his money and dad got five times his money back within four or five years.
Rex and his wife Diane were great examples to me of how real forgiveness brings joy and peace of mind. I used to live with them and even got to milk their cows a few times. They introduced me to the idea of the reality of God’s love and His willingness to bless us even by supernatural means. They certainly expected it and often received it. Perhaps their arms, always open to give as well as receive, somehow brought God’s arms around to embrace them.
While in Washington, I felt a desire to seek spiritual experiences of others. By now I knew that there might be some who have not felt free to speak publicly of their experiences with God. I thought that if I ask around, I might find some who would open up to me. I met a relative of the Valentine family and while talking to her, I told her what I was looking for. She hesitated for a moment and then began to tell me her experience. When she learned about the LDS Church, she liked a lot about it. She felt the LDS scripture were true. But she had been raised Catholic and believed very strongly in the Holy Trinity. She just couldn’t join the Church still feeling this way.
One day while she was praying with this belief heavy on her mind, she was carried away into heaven. She felt the Holy Spirit take her to meet Jesus Christ and God the Father. There she stayed for a long time talking with them. When she returned, she couldn’t remember what they had talked about, but she remembered that they were definitely three separate beings. She joined the church, but rarely mentioned her experience to anyone.
I felt that this was what the Lord had wanted me to find. I know that whenever I get that restless feeling that there is something that I need to uncover, I should search until I find something the Spirit confirms within me.
I have found books to be another source of great thoughts and inspiration. Thoreau has been given me such good reading! I soon learned that those I liked to read would not be easy to find. In time I found and read Bon Hoefer and his friend Reinhold Neibor. Their thoughts were concise and so well expressed. Their conclusions felt so good and agreeable to me. I especially liked simple but beautiful books such as ‘The Little Prince’, ‘Jonathan Livingston Seagull’, ‘Gift from the Sea’ and ‘Mr. God, this is Anna’. Kalil Gabram quickly became a favorite delight. The late Krishnamurti was so inspirational with his drive to bring an end to all divisions such as borders between nations and organizational differences. But I learned to savor the meat of life’s worth from Robert Pirsig. Both ‘Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance’, and ‘Lila’ were very moving books. I learned the reality of the divine world from Emmanuel Swedenborg. Books have been the greatest source of truth I have ever found. The Spirit which confirms the joy and beauty of the principles taught in these great books will not let me sit. Sometimes I cannot read silently but have to share this goodness with others.
Reading Swedenborg taught me how the Lord has tried to give us knowledge and how slow we have been to listen. His writings have been around since before 19th century but how well do we believe the message he gave? Not once have the things he explained been taught in a Mormon or Christian Sunday school I have attended. I grieve at this ignorance.
Religions are so terribly exclusive. God is raining down such great quantities of important truths; but while some few individuals hear, rarely does a ‘divine’ organization embrace truth unless it arrives in a recognized form and from an authoritative person within that religion. This is such a rare event. I am left wondering how can one have a testimony of Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon and not recognize Emmanuel Swedenborg and his books as coming of God. I have a whole book shelve full of scriptures which are excluded from the lives of those I love. I have to conclude that religions, with their tendency to control what’s taught within their walls and their self-securing efforts to discourage members from exploring other arenas of divine dispensation quite often end up actually hindering the Lord’s efforts to communicate with man.
After my time with McCune, I returned to Utah. During all these trips and events, I continued to write a little. But I didn’t try hard to get published for I still did not feel that I had anything that others would want to hear. I had only one friend named Roger who encouraged me to write. He thought it was all very interesting. He was very neutral and only helped me learn how to use the computer. He has always been fun to talk to. We both like old religious philosophers and are often coming up with stuff to share with each other. Being able to share with him was a life saver. The more I grew and learned the greater the distance I felt from most of the people around me. The greater the good I get from the Lord the greater the sad loneliness of not sharing these things with others. I share easily what they have, but what the Lord has given me is usually not something they want. Roger and I are able to communicate well. I don’t share his devotion to mathematics but he is one I can talk to.
I prayed and asked what the near future held for me. Within moments of praying, I was filled with sadness. I nearly felt like crying but didn’t because it was in the middle of church. I was thirty and I was sure that the Lord didn’t have plans for me that I would be interested in. Several brothers and sisters of mine were married and had children. I began to really want a family. Life was starting to pass me by. I knew I was going to have to do it without the Lord.
I was on a drug study up at the Hospital and grew a beard just for the novelty of it. As I was about to shave it off, the voice came and said, “You’ll never take it off.” I didn’t think that having a beard would be a good idea. Beards aren’t liked much in conservative Utah. But my family all encouraged me to keep it so I did. But about four years later I had a great job offer, but was told that I could not have a beard. I left feeling bad until the voice came again and said, “I said that you would never take it off, not that you couldn’t keep it off.” That seemed too convenient. I was left wondering if this voice really wasn’t just part of some chemical imbalance inside my brain. Later I thought more about it and realized that there is a good lesson here. The Lord is always very careful in His choice of words. Man is often careless in his interpretation of those words. I had a beard for four years because I assumed that the Lord meant for me to have it. But His word did not say that. I just added my interpretation to His words. I think of the way the policies of the Mormon Church are often based on something the Lord said. For example, the Lord told Lorenzo Snow to have the leader of the LDS church chosen without delay when the current leader dies. But how that should be done was not discussed. It was assumed that it was to be done as it was previously. It could be that the manner might be different every time. Or the same method each time but not the method we use now. This is only one of many ways in which we might follow the Lord’s guidance with a little more flexibility than we now assume possible. This principle can be applied to so many issues in so many sects.
A woman named Nohemi from Mexico visited a friend to mine. She really appealed to me. Something about our relationship didn’t feel right but I ignored that feeling. There was once when I was very concerned about what we should do. I prayed and I was told that she should go home. I told her and she accused me of wanting to get rid of her. She did not go and we eventually married. Soon after that her parents broke up. She was certain that if she had been there instead of in Utah that they wouldn’t have destroyed their marriage. I quietly reminded her that the troubles began about the time I was told to tell her to go home. She had nothing to say.
Some place restrictions on how the Lord may speak to man. Many Mormons believe that revelation only comes through established lines of authority. I believe that revelation comes from God in accordance with a principle I call Out of the Blue. Enoch, Moses, many prophets, Jesus, and others came with a message from God from out of the blue relative to those around them. We may ascribe authority to these men now, but from the point of view of those living in the days of these men; they came as a big surprise. They never came saying the things that the religious or political leaders of their day wanted to hear. In each case there were people in power who thought they knew how things ought to be and each time they were wrong. I fear that we have the same situation now. We think we know how things should be but we may be in for a big surprise. The only sure thing is that if someone does come with a message from God, those with the Holy Spirit and not necessarily those with authority will know.
I have learned that God may speak through anyone to anyone. It’s up to us to be sensitive to the Spirit. Some good examples of this are when He gave a message to Israel by an old desert shepherd (Moses) wanted for murder and to Peter through Mary or when He spoke to Saul through a witch, and to all the world through a vagrant carpenter (Jesus) If you believe the Mormon story, to the Christian world through a farm boy and to the Muslim world through Baháʼu’lláh To me there is just no telling what the Lord has planned unless he wants us to know. I think he uses such variety to teach us to listen for His voice no matter what form it takes.
Knowing this I began to listen to Christian radio at work. I felt especially good about a Pastor Heyford. The more I listened to him the more certain I was that he spoke for the Lord. I soon began to contribute to his work. I want to serve with the Holy Spirit. To do that I must help as I can where ever I find Him working. I often tried to get others around me to listen but they didn’t seem to be as interested as I was. Most Mormons just eliminate all other religious speakers from their spiritual diet.
While with McCune in Washington I met some very enthusiastic Catholics. They got me to listen to some Christian music. I was soon addicted. To this day I love a lot of it more than all the Pop and Country music put together. I find so few who feel the same. Too bad for them.
I am still puzzled by once when I was looking for a better job. I didn’t like drawing blood because I had to hurt people with needles. But there was an opening at the University of Utah hospital and I put in for the job. I prayed and told the Lord I really didn’t want the job. Did He have any comment? I was answered, “Take it.” I felt disappointed and went back a little later and asked about the job. It had been given to someone else. Was the voice mistaken? Did I not do enough? Will it be offered again to me later? Should I take it then? I still don’t know what to think.
In winter of 1988 I began to feel a strong force pushing me to write. There was trouble over this with Nohemi. I was not making much money and if I gave myself to writing I would get even less. I determined that I should do as I felt Grant was directing me to do. I began to write the things that came into my heart. These were mainly experiences and principles of truth such as I have related here except, I was not so open. I typed about eighteen pages. It wasn’t the best stuff but while I did it no one could disturb my peace.
My sister Anne (who also writes a little), my parents and Nohemi were all plenty upset. They sought to put a stop to my efforts. They thought I was crazy and that the writing stunk. But their feelings didn’t bother me. I could be with them and just love them. I knew that I was being blessed with the Spirit of the Lord and his peace. My dad was especially furious that I would not fight with him. He hated that “silly smile” so I tried not to smile. But I felt as a parent does when her children complain and fight over nothing. I just wanted to enfold them in the peace I was feeling.
I finished and gave copies to those who seemed interested. Anne had a friend named Phil who was to be her big gun against me. Phil was a Harvard divinity student and had a fine mind. She gave him a copy and he read it. We all assembled to talk and he seemed to be encouraging me. He mentioned that I was saying things that others had said. My family tried to talk intelligently about it. But their intelligence was bent to fulfill their wish; which was to crush and stop my efforts. My dad was lost a little into the discussion because he had not read any of it and didn’t know what we were talking about. I was accused of keeping it from him. I thought that was an ironic thing to say considering his attitude. Phil found some faults in my work. That, of course, wasn’t hard to do. I had to agree with a lot of his criticism. He suggested I read more writings by the early church fathers.
Suddenly he asked me what I had eaten for dinner the night before. I hesitated for I could not for the life of me see how this related to my work. Neither could I remember. I told him I didn’t know; food was rarely something I thought much about. At that he suggested I might be out of touch with reality. That meant I was certifiably crazy. My family loved that move. Then Phil asked me what I wanted to be. What was I trying to become by writing? I didn’t know I said. I just was doing as the voice had told me to do. He told me that I was doing what a prophet would do. I had to agree. So, he concluded that I was trying to become a prophet. But I couldn’t agree. I just wanted people to look at life a little differently and to repent and seek a closeness to Christ. He said that that was what a prophet did.
I felt very uncomfortable with that label and later asked the Lord about it. I later realized that I wanted to be the righteousness of God. The deepest part of me wants to be like Christ. Another part of me fears this because of the distance this would place between myself and others. But there is already too much of this distance. The only real unity will eventually be found in all of us being like God, not Mormon or part of any religion.
A few years later dad and I were talking about Anne’s reaction to my writing and I commented that she was too biased. Dad was a little indignant and asked me how I had reached that conclusion. I pointed out that Phil had commented on the content and on the style. He had covered many aspects of the whole document. But Anne never once had anything to say about the material or commented on the ideas. She just claimed from the beginning that it was really bad writing. She may have been right, but even the poorest of writings express ideas. Why had she never spoken about the ideas? Even dad admitted that some of the ideas such as praying for your enemies were good ones even if poorly expressed. That put her reaction in a different light and I think he understood.
My mother was closer to neutral. She was not so much against the writing as against the problems it created in my marriage. I pointed out how a lot of early church missionaries left to serve the Lord leaving their wives pregnant and homeless. Their families had become burdens on others. Yet we honor their names. Sometimes the Lord requires inconvenience even sacrifices of those in his service. If it wasn’t too much to ask then, why was it now. She retorted that they were called of God and I was not. I tried to explain that God’s call to a man’s heart is just as valid as one man’s call to another. What makes a call valid? I believe God must be behind it. Does it have to be a mighty vision? Wouldn’t even the natural love one man feels for his fellow man give him all the authority he needs to speak? I never felt mom find peace in this. I still hope someday she will.
I asked the Lord what to do with my writing and He suggested a magazine. I didn’t think that would work. I sent out copies of what I had written to friends. I only got one response and gave the idea up. I don’t know the first thing about starting a magazine. I have thought that a magazine centered on spiritual experiences from the Lord would be great. I tried to write for the Sunstone and Dialogue but I got nowhere. And no wonder, I was writing in English! But seriously I think that a magazine might be possible. It would have to stay away from any one religion. I’d like to make it a bridge for people of God from different religions.
The voice told me to go talk to Lowel Bennion. He fairly well known and is held in high regard here in Utah. I was rather insecure about meeting him. I took the paper I had written and gave it to him but I left without saying very much. I felt bad about the way I had acted so later I went with Roger and we had a good visit with Lowel. It was good to see that though he was so old he understood at least partially the things that I was feeling about our community and how we approached Christ.
Life with Nohemi was good. What a fabulous cook! But there began to be problems. One curious thig: I never called her ‘Dear ‘ or ‘honey’. I never came to love her and word of love wouldn’t come from me unless I forced them. I felt that I would have no rights to my son if I didn’t divorce her. So, I did. During the divorce I had that restless feeling that I was missing something. I prayed and my thoughts were guided back to a dream I had had about a year before meeting Nohemi.
In the dream I was living with a group of people. One of them gave me a gift of a snake. I loved all nature, especially snakes. This was a large animal and I chose to keep it with me in my room. I played with it and personally cared for it. One day I noticed lumps on either side of it’s body just below the head. I examined it carefully and discovered two more near the tail. I wondered about it and kept an eye on these lumps. I continued to love and be attentive to it. The lumps grew and turned into legs and arms. Soon after the appearance of limbs it began to walk upright and the tail shortened. I told no one of its transformation. I was afraid of affecting it. The snake gradually turned into a girl, ugly at first with a scaly face and only a little hair. But with a little more love and time she began to talk and became quite lovely.
I brought her out and let her get to know the rest of the people. She soon became popular and her opinions respected. Then I had to leave for some reason. I was gone a few weeks. When I got back, she wasn’t out with the rest of the people. I found her in my room. She had partially regressed. Her face was scaly and she barely communicated. I was surprised. I gave her love and attention and soon she had returned. I knew that she was dependent on my love but never once did she seem to want it. She never showed any sign of loving me. She seemed only to tolerate my attention and never acknowledged her dependency.
I realized that Nohemi was the snake. She had rarely seemed to love me and only tolerated my attentions. As for being dependent on my love, I haven’t seen any sign of that. We disputed over Ezra, my son. There was a lot of heartache and I had trouble learning to pray for her. Once when I was supposed to see my son, her absence denied me that right. I was upset. I put a door lock on her door while she was gone. Then after praying for her, I went back, removed the lock and left her $50 dollars. After she got back, she called and I got to see him.
After more trouble Nohemi and her new husband went back to her home in Mexico. I am promised I can talk to Ezra but it never works out. He loved me and I him. It was painful for us to be forcible parted like that. I wish I had made better choices and had been more patient with Nohemi. I have written and promised that there will be no more deceptions (I didn’t lie, but I did deceive her.) nor courts, nor police. I will wait till she is ready to let me see him. I will let her control the situation as she wishes. But there is no response. All I feel now is longing for her and Ezra to come back. There is no feeling of vengeance or bitterness. I just can’t love them as well as I could if they were close.