From about 1982 on, I occasionally had what I call baby visions. Again, they always occur just before I wake up. They are very vivid even more so than real life. I have seen scenery, printed words, sheet music, and even flowers rapidly growing up out of mud puddles in these visions. I don’t think that they themselves have meaning. Their occurrence is meant to train my mind. I learned that they come from Grant. In one I could tell I was in the correct state of mind and I opened my mind to receiving a vision. But nothing came. Something about it told me that they come from outside myself. The special thing about these visions is that they disappear at the first sign of self-consciousness. Several times in the middle of one of these visions I thought to myself, “I am having a vision!” Immediately it ended. I haven’t made much progress. Just that when I have been self-sacrificing and full of concern for my fellow men these visions linger longer.
Soon after I married Nohemi I felt directed to go back to school. It went slow because of the time I spent on problems with her. But after I divorced her, I finally graduated in microbiology. I love the science of life. It’s second only to my love of the science of righteousness.
I continued to have problems with my body’s appetite. I never have felt tempted to steal and almost never have lied. Neither do I indulge in over eating. I have never found myself trapped in any addiction but one. I had made a lot of progress with it. I thanked God that once again I was in the clear. I was reluctant to date partially because of these difficulties.
While working out a difficulty over my son I met Fresia. I thought she was angelic and really wanted to be near her. I did not know at the time, but a very negative experience left her rebellious over moral matters. She invited me to partake the forbidden and I did. I couldn’t believe myself. I had never done this outside of marriage. I asked her to marry me, she refused. But she returned. I asked the Lord how I might get her to marry me. Grant told me, “if you say no (to the physical relationship), she would say yes (to marriage)”. But behind this answer was another feeling. A feeling that there is a more important question: “Should I marry her?” I had met her kids and I loved them. I didn’t want to ask if I should marry her because I was sure the answer would be negative. I was in my early thirties and felt that I was never going to get a family if I kept seeking the will of God, so I didn’t ask.
I did say no, and for a while nothing happened. I felt she was getting distant. I gave in again and after a few months we were married. What I did was wrong and I regret it. But the things Fresia taught me about patience and kindness I do not regret. She was a giving person. She would give even if it meant starving. She and her sister had been raised in a manner totally different from the way I was raised. To them parents were there to provide a home and advice. They were there to pickup and cleanup after the kids. The childhood is a time of fun and laughter. We should do nothing to disappoint children. I was raised where parents were there to control and shape the kids.
Living with her was chaos for me. Trying to bring a little order only made things worse. I had been raised with a hands-on approach with children. I was molded and told how I was to become. Fresia thought the discipline I applied to her kids was abusive. They should only be given a good example and they would be fine. I came to believe she was right. But I was hard pressed to change the way I treated the kids. We had a real struggle with the difference of our ways.
While driving for the Newspaper I met Jon. Jon had been a Mormon and then left the church because of research into some of its problems. He and I became very close and he showed me tons of material which pointed out the LDS problems attempting to prove it false. He was a very literal person: If this and that are true then it proves this conclusion. We had a lot of fun over our differences. Whether he knows it or not we are actually very close at heart. We both sincerely strive at being good and coming close to the Lord. We both try to be forgiving, loving and patient. The fact that his belief that Mormonism is false is so important to him actually is the thing that draws my love for him. I feel at the base of all the talk, he is truly as anxious about God as I am.
Once while he was giving me a ride on his motorcycle he over reacted with the brakes and we ended up sliding on our sides. My left leg and arm ate a lot of gravel. The ambulance came but I refused to let them touch me. I knew I couldn’t afford their attention so got a ride home with a friend. A little later Jon called and had me come to the emergency room with promises to pay for it. There the nurse began to scrub out the gravel from my leg and arm. I don’t know how but a great sense of fun came over Jon and I. We laughed and joked the whole time. Even the nurses were laughing. It seemed that there were a million funny things to say about our situation. The more it hurt to have a scrub brush applied to our gravel filled wounds the more we laughed. I still remember it as about the most fun I have ever had at one time. And we had it without inhaling any anesthetic.
I began to feel a real lack of understanding of Christ. The biblical stories really didn’t satisfy my desire to understand Him. I began to pray to know more of His life. I prayed a lot about it. One day I perceived clearly Christs heart the moment a nail was driven into His hand. All the pain was turned into an intense prayer that God preserve the precious soul of the man welding the hammer. This perception only lasted a moment. But to grasp the love He had for the man helping to torture Him for only a moment moved me. I have never felt such feelings for my friends let alone my enemies.
Beth had given me a book of writings of the early church fathers. These were rejected when the Bible was first put together. I was surprised at how strongly the Spirit came over me when I read Clement and Shepherd of Hermas. There is a lot there that is of God. Too bad it’s not included in the Bible. Over a few years I began to realize that I can’t trust other men when it comes to things of the Lord. So I usually ignore what others tell me and read whatever the material is for myself. I have read Edgar Cayce, Nostradamus, Paul Solomon, and Gordon-Michael Scallion. I think they have something to offer though I am a little cautious about fully endorsing them. I am only certain that the Lord is fully capable to speaking through people such as these. I dare not try to confine His reach. I would only hurt myself.
I also like material which deals with life after death. I think that the Lord is trying to let us know more about ourselves. It’s very pleasing to see this happen.
In January of ’92’ I Grant told me that there was something that the Lord wanted to tell me and I needed to know. I prayed a lot but I received no answer. This puzzled me and I asked why the answer wasn’t forth coming? Grant replied, “Go out and find it!” I began to ask around if anyone had something interesting from God. A friend named Bill told me that his institute teacher had told of someone who had picked up a hitch hiker. This hitch hiker told the driver to get in about three years of food storage. Then the hitch hiker disappeared into thin air. I later heard the same story from two other sources. I felt assured that this is what I had been looking for. I put adds into the paper and ended up with a fair amount of food storage. I hope it is enough.
Other problems with Fresia developed and I became certain that I was driving her crazy. Someone would be hurt or killed so strong were her feelings. I did not know what to do for a long time until in the middle of talking to my Bishop about the it, I was suddenly certain that I should end the marriage. So again, I divorced. But she and I have remained close. My family really likes her and I am amazed by the devotion she shows me.
When I separated from Fresia I moved into my grandmother’s basement with my father. He and I had become a lot better friends over the last several years. We used to see movies and go to concerts together. I had a lot of good times with my dad. He wanted to be there for my grandmother who was in her nineties, but my mother wanted to be near her kids and grandkids. So my parents lived a few states apart for a while. But they got a lot of frequent flyer miles and a few long distant phone bills. They didn’t like being separated.
In the fall of ’93’ the Church excommunicated several of its more intellectual members for views on Church matters. Immediately following this the Church began to push ‘Follow the brethren’ meaning the Leaders of the Church. I was quite upset. The excommunication was bad enough but to have my leaders show such ignorance of true principles was distressing. I wrote them, but was ignored. I wrote papers with the same result. I did what I could to make known the principles surrounding this matter but I wasn’t heard. To explain it briefly, ‘Follow the brethren’ is not doctrine. It was never preached by Joseph, who instructed those who doubted him to go talk to the Spirit of God. ‘Follow the brethren’ is doctrine just as true today as it was in the days of the brethren who turned against Noah, Moses and Christ. That’s to say: it’s not true at all. The scriptures instruct us to pray to the Lord for guidance. For example, where would we be today if Joseph Smith had read, “If any of ye lack wisdom let him ask the brethren?” ‘Follow the brethren’ is an invitation to blind obedience. It was preached in Jonestown. I’m sure that Hitler was very big on it. I don’t want to see the same thing happen to the LDS Church. It would be wiser for the brethren to depend on the Spirit and encourage the members to do the same. No worldly authority should be allowed to usurp even part of the authority a personal relationship with Christ and the Holy Spirit has over our lives. ‘Follow the brethren’ infringes upon the place of Christ. I can’t support it. I do not wish contention with the leaders of my Church. There is something close, a compromise, I believe in: we should follow the Leaders of the Church as our heart says they follow Christ.
I started going to a new singles ward. One Sunday a member of the stake presidency got up and gave a talk on how valiant we had all been in the preexistence. But then he launched into a tirade against Satan. He called Satan a fool and said that Lucifer had been stupid to turn against God. We were instructed to fight Satan and keep him and the despair he always brought from entering our lives. He went on in the same manner for about five minutes. I was very disturbed but didn’t know why. I went home from church feeling bad and not knowing what to make of what he had said. I just couldn’t accept it.
I prayed and something began to come into my mind. I could remember before the war in heaven. I remembered how strong and intelligent Lucifer had been. Everyone liked him. He was clever and funny. A lot of us looked to him for leadership and he was good at leading. But then God presented a plan. Jesus was to be at the center of it. Jesus was always with God and so there were some of us who did not know him that well. Satan tried to alter the plan and a lot of those with him wanted things Satan’s way but God wouldn’t budge. Satan became demanding and angry. Most of us watched, but there were also a lot of us who tried to reach out to him in love and put an end to the rift that was forming. Lucifer would have none of it. We continued to seek him with our love and joy and peace. He just continued to revile against us. The love of God was greater that his hate so he left and took many with him. As I remembered this, tears came to my eyes for I had really love and admired him. Such incredible loss. He was one of the greatest and his departure hurt us all.
I understand now that the war in heaven was not fought sword against sword, bullet against bullet, nor bomb against bomb. We fought by using love against hate, welcome against rejection, acceptance against reviling, joy against anguish, and peace against fury. To speak of reviling and fighting against Satan is to invite him close. To truly love him with the love of God is to drive him away. The chains he will someday be bound with will be made of our love and joy in God.
I have also come to know that we must use these same principles in solving our problems here on earth. Weapons and threats will never bring peace. We must counter threats with offerings of friendship and violence with peace.
Dad came to me one day and told me that he had had a dream in which an old man came to him and told him that I should move out. We laughed about it, but I agreed to go. I found a place very reasonable. It’s a small basement apartment. I don’t require much. My land lady, Sister Bush, is a delightful older widow. I fix things for her and she brings me treats and takes a little off the rent. I love it there.
While working one day I was thinking of a Mormon scripture: Moroni 10: verse 31. I had been studying verses on that page and I didn’t understand the symbolism. It has several poetic metaphors. I prayed and asked what they meant. It was explained to me. Beautiful garments were our righteousness, stakes were our testimonies of Christ, and borders were our understandings of God. I was pleased at how well these metaphors worked. Being delighted with this I went on to ask about the biblical scripture in Isaiah which says: How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings; … I asked what mountains stood for. I understood it to mean the presence of God. People often go to the tops of mountains to pray. Feet stood for sacrifice. Feet are the humblest part of the body and the most used part of the body for those traveling to preach God’s word. So the scripture could read: ‘How beautiful in the presence of God are the sacrifices of those that published peace,’. Having it explained to me was a wonderful experience.
I was feeling so cheered by my new understanding that I wanted to share it with my dad. So, I called my dad at work. He listened, but didn’t feel the same enthusiasm. Talking to him dampened my spirit. We have a lot of fun with earthly things but not with the things of the Spirit. I’m always trying to invite him to higher thoughts and higher principles. Sometimes I feel him resenting that. However arrogant it may sound, I often love him like a son, not like a dad.
While at work one day I began to feel unusually happy and loving. I wondered and looked inside myself for the answer. I suddenly saw inside myself complete innocence! I was delighted. I had not sought it nor had I been pestering the Lord much. I also felt as if my soul had been enlarged. Caring for my coworkers had been strong. I was really trying to love them more fully. I think that sometimes the Lord likes to surprise us with His gifts. I did not value it as I should have. I shared a little gossip and immediately the feeling was gone. I felt grief at its loss. I will always seek a return to that state of heart. I know that the Lord always forgives us. But to really feel washed and totally clean is such a joy!
A guy in my ward named Dave invited me to read a couple books about a vegan diet. I did and read some important things of how the food we eat affects our bodies. While reading and thinking about what the book said I took a trip to visit my sister Sydney. I had finished one book and had begun another. During the trip I felt strongly that I was to make a commitment. I was surprised at the strength of the feeling and at first, I only promised to give up meat. But a spiritual force came over me much more strongly. I felt great pressure to do more. After a few more miles I added all eggs and dairy products. Only then could my heart get some rest. I was reluctant to make such massive changes in my diet. I still miss the meat, but it wasn’t too hard: I have never been too consumed by food.
Upon arriving at my sister’s house, I told her about my recent experience. She’s known me for a long time and wasn’t very surprised. She took it in stride and continued to cook the ham she had planned. Occasionally I break my diet rules but not often. I later had the impression that eating should always be part of our worship of God. Indulgence in too much eating is idolatry, as is feeding ourselves by taste rather than by what’s healthy.
During these years I occasionally felt the hearts of others when their thoughts of me were particularly strong. At least that is what I think is going on. I wrote a Bishop I admired and explained what little I knew about faith, hope, and charity. Soon after this, I thought I could feel his heart and concerns about me and what I had written. Later I believe I received feelings from a young lady in my ward. These were not vague or quick in passing but lasted all day and made it hard to concentrate. I am not too certain what’s going on, just that something is happening. (Am I becoming psychic?)
For a long time, I have felt sad for my religion. I grew up in it and cherish it like I would my parents. I don’t want to dwell on error but I want to explain a principle which I don’t think most understand.
Each religion has a manner in which its leaders are chosen. Mormons chose the most senior member of the twelve, the Catholics and protestants use various forms of election and the Buddhist use their belief in reincarnation. But there is one problem with each of these systems. Men take part in the decision. As long as men are involved, there’s no way to choose one who truly represents God. Those chosen may be good men and able to lead. But with they’re never like the originals. Men cannot be trusted to follow the divine because their natural tendency is towards the ways of this world and away from God.
The only really vital religious leaders this world has ever had have come from God and without any help from man. He raises them up often without even speaking to men. If he does speak it is to announce the leader, not to see if it will be okay. Moses, Christ, Peter, Buddha, Mohammed, Joseph Smith, Baha’u’llah and Gandhi came mostly as a surprise to those around them. In almost every case these men were initially rejected. I fear the passing centuries haven’t changed men that much. If a Christ or Joseph or a Martin Luthor showed up now, I doubt there is a religion today that would accept what they would want to offer.
I’m a little sad to see a religion given such a tremendous start by the youth and vigor of Joseph then be guided by the extremely old who, as much as I know they love God, can’t help but direct based mostly on their extensive past rather than on their fading awareness of the present. I love them all. I only wish we were more cognitive of the problem. Then maybe we would be more open to God’s answer.
I was introduced to a book called: A Course in Miracles. When I finished the first 2 paragraphs of the introduction, I realized it was Jesus talking. That startled me and I wondered how I knew? It was the same assurance I got when I heard the voice of my mom or dad on the phone. I never needed them to introduce themselves; I simply recognized them. I just recognized Jesus’s voice in those two first paragraphs: “This is a Course In Miracles. It is a required course….” it was dictated by Jesus Christ. At the very least I became aware of how the principles described in it were working wonderful changes in my life. For months I spent time every day in that book. I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that Christ would seeks to invite us to draw closer to him by writing a book. A lot of people do that. What we know of Him from the books we have isn’t all that much. This Course in Miracles is full of insight into how the Lord thinks. Reading it makes me feel that I should never pick up the pen or type again for fear that I might be read instead of that book. I compare the things I have written to the same ideas in CIM and I cringe. It is overflowing with much greater wisdom and joy of God. I can’t help but see that the way I think and write reflexes my exposure to this book.
Perhaps the greatest and most troubling teaching within it is that we should not perceive error. To forgive, but to punish or hold a grudge is not to truly forgive. To translate this to our world seems to invite chaos. No police, no prisons, no judges, no lawyers (Well that part’s not so bad.) and of course no laws. Only good will and the Spirit to guide us. We are asked to accept the reality of God here and now. His reality denies our reality of suffering, sin and death. All time, effort, and thought spent on activities or goals other than God is idolatry. For example, to the idol of order I sacrifice peace of mind, good will with my children, and the flowing love of God. I have many other idols. I should worship God and on the alter before Him sacrifice sin, control, money, time, my pride and weaknesses. I believe it, but I can’t quite swallow it.
I think the approach to error He suggests is what a loving mother feels for a little child who might strike out at her because he didn’t get his way. She ignores the blow and only sees the one she loves needing her embrace. God invites us to do the same. “Do not see error.” This is absolute and complete for all errors of all mankind. The rapist is seen only with love. Murder is not resisted, but ignored as if the deed never happened. The perpetrator is cherished by the survivors as he truly is: family.
The Gandhi’s and Hitlers alike are loved, prayed for and forgiven. I don’t emulate this approach to life. But I am coming to believe in it. I loved and prayed for the one who hit me and those who got me fired. But Christ wouldn’t even have noticed it. He’s too busy loving to notice sin.
I believe the that those who espouse higher ways of living will be blessed. We will not be invulnerable to life’s acts but invulnerable to loss and despair. The help of Lord will reach us more readily. What seeming loss we suffer will be more than compensated by goodness which God will bring upon us if we hold onto hope in Him.
I’ve been told I’m naive. Well, I am not so naive as to think that the way we do things now is working very well. I can’t help but think of the trouble in former Czechoslovakia. What would happen there if instead of resistance, the Muslims welcomed the Serbs and gave them whatever they wanted. I don’t think all the Serbs are subhuman. I bet that there would be many of them who would feel morally obligated to return the welcome and kindness. I believe that their situation would end up a lot better than it is now or will be. Especially now that there is so much ill will between them. Once there is peace, what will it be like after all that has gone on? What really have they created?
In the spring of 1994, I was memorizing something Joseph Smith wrote in the D&C about many being called but few chosen. I began to think that there was a pattern to what he wrote. I have long wanted to write something about the struggle that some people have in seeking faith in Christ but haven’t found a way. I woke one morning about 4 am realizing that my feelings could easily be expressed after the pattern that Joseph showed. I worked on it for several weeks and then showed it to my parents. It didn’t go over well. They immediately thought I was trying to start a religion or call myself a prophet. I know that it is disturbing in some ways, but I really think it’s the truth. I am including it towards the end of this book.
I worked three years in a waste water laboratory and then was fired. One coworker grew to hate me. I think he felt threatened. Another really liked me, (maybe it was more than like) but I couldn’t be more than friends with her. I loved her but I knew it would be a mistake to get involved. It was not a situation which could last long. I really liked and admired my director; he was a fair man in a tough position. When I left, I was laughing and trying to cheer him up. I wished them all a merry Christmas. The one I loved wouldn’t look at me. The rest didn’t know what was happening. I hadn’t been perfect, but I loved them and will miss them, especially her. She had the greatest kids and was a good mother.
After losing my job I was humbled for a while. I just wish I could stay that way. I asked the Lord if he wanted me to do anything. Grant replied, “make yourself known”. So, I wrote this autobiography. I have been through some experiences that may interest others. But I noticed that while I was doing it, I became more distant from the Lord. I can’t let this happen now. I need His advice on what to do right now. If not his guidance at least His companionship. I can make choices without always having His input. I am not paralyzed. It’s just that I have noticed that my efforts to help others or serve Him do no good unless the Lord is with me.
I want to ask Him what should I do with my retirement fund? My problems with Fresia, and a job? Will he take this book and use it? I have put a lot of myself into it. But I know that unless He carries it to the hearts of other, it’s a waste. I still want more than ever to have something of the Lord which will focus attention on becoming more like Christ. I would like to see more of the power of the Spirit working in people’s lives. I would really like more of the same in my own life.
I thought that writing this would probably arouse some opposition. But at first there was nearly nothing. Then I began to cause my heart to seek the Lord. More and more of my soul has been poured out in prayer without a response. I think it’s because it’s the pouring out I need right now. There is more opposition now. I felt the misled spirits come to me a couple of times. I was able to let them in and I asked them who they were. The question outraged them into a burst of noise that woke me. I later felt something take hold and push on my foot. I can’t make sense of it yet.
In another dream I know that there are evil spirits within me and I go to a church seeking a Bible to hold. I can hardly speak. I am shaking with the force I am using to keep the spirits from taking control. Someone there keeps offers me a history book and then a chemistry book. I shake my head. They never do figure out that I want a Bible. I woke with a headache.
The next night I dreamed evil spirits took me and spun me like a gyroscope. I felt the blood rush into my head and the flesh of my face sag from the centrifugal force. I controlled my fear, I was certain the Lord wouldn’t let me be hurt. But again, I woke with quite a headache.
In thinking about the prophesy about Don, Marie, and I, I notice how similar that is to Jonathan, Michal and David in the bible stories. Just as then, there is a Goliath now threatening us and mocking us. I would like to bring down that Goliath. It’s the Goliath of despair of really being children of God that has a firm hold on the hearts of many. We need to believe more in God and ourselves. I want very badly something that vividly proves that we are the children of God. Long ago David proved that God was with Israel when all the rest doubted. I still believe that if I draw close enough to God, He will bring me into his service and I will be able to act by His Spirit. Hopefully seeing the arm of the Lord expended, people will be convinced that our place with the Lord is real and begin to seek it.
I feel little personal investment in having Beth come back or having Donny and Marie come into my life. Somehow a part of me still believes it is possible, but no longer requires it. (Perhaps it just came from the over enthusiasm of the angel watching over me.) Loving and hoping in the good of God is much more on my heart and mind. I will be just about as satisfied with my life if I die without those things coming true as if they did come true. My treasure is no longer affected nor fulfilled by anything of this life. My treasure and the greatest gifts of God that I have ever received were the friendships I have found. None of my other experiences can hold a candle to real friendship. I am thrilled to have loved so thoroughly and completely so many people. How could God give me more than this!