“Forgiveness is the last illusion…” (ACIM) I was not a little stunned by those words. What an outrageous thing to say!  It was one of those moments when, if I had not known that it was Jesus speaking, I would have thrown out the book I was reading.  Forgiveness was very real to me!

Just before my mission I felt darkness overwhelming my heart because of bad things I had done months before. The guilt was making me sick but through confession I found forgiveness.  It wasn’t any illusion to me.  Christ’s Atonement became a vital functioning part of my life.

There were times when I needed it desperately. Years after my mission, feeling lonely and weak, I dated young lady. I knew I was never going to fall in love with her.  She was just a fun way to pass the time. But then we began to indulge in inappropriate activities.  Suddenly I found my self trapped! Whenever she was around I couldn’t stop myself.  I tried to stay away from her but that didn’t work.  I didn’t call but somehow we kept ending up together. I was addicted and a slave to my body’s most basic desires. I began praying earnestly for help but it didn’t come. Finally one Saturday night I went down the shrub choked path into the gully behind my apartment and prayed for hours out alone.  I felt no presence and no comfort. I tried to focus all the energy of my mind on pleading for forgiveness. I knew if God did not help me I was headed for destruction. Finally, exhausted and with a headache I went to bed wondering where God was and why He didn’t answer me.

The next morning when I woke up I felt different. I wondered for a moment what it was.  It was a really good spiritually healthy not sick feeling.  The phone rang and my roommate let me know it was for me. It was my girlfriend, she wanted to come over. Instantly I knew what the difference was: the physical desires for her were completely gone!  I was clean! I was strong again! So I laughed and told her to come over if she wanted.  Relationships depend on more than sexual attraction so I decided to share the thoughtful instead of the physical side of me.

She came over and I introduced her to Henry David Thoreau.  I love his ideas and tried to discuss them with her.  I went on to talk about my thoughts on God and the LDS Church.  Bored to death after only 20-30 minutes, she excused herself and left never to return.

The greater point of this story is that forgiveness wasn’t just a return to innocence, it strengthened my soul. I had greater freedom to choose.  Forgiveness was no illusion to me. But a few years later I was at my job thinking about a scripture. I was praying for help to understand the metaphors.  My co workers and I went to our boss’s office for our weekly meeting.  During the meeting I was quietly lifted to complete innocence and great joy. I was very happy though there was no logical cause of that happiness. It was not just inside me, everyone I noticed; I saw them as like me: innocent and perfect.  (Even one who disliked me very much.) My mental and spiritual state was such that I wouldn’t have considered forgiving anyone. Not from hardness of heart; but because, just for a moment, I couldn’t see sin in anyone. 
I was like a parent separated too long from their child, who can’t bear to do anything other than love their darling child.  Just for a moment all sin, discipline, and accusations are laid aside that love might manifest. In the eyes filled with love, forgiveness is an illusion because sin is impossible to see.