It can be quite a social comfort and even a boost ego boost to know something, or at least to claim you know something. But for the sake of spirituality one needs to be careful and deeply honest about what one knows to be true and what one believes is true. For example being raised LDS, I ‘knew’ the church was true. I ‘knew’ Jesus was my savior. But later I came to ‘know’ by the Holy Spirit other things. I knew them for myself; not from any teaching but from experience. So I became very specific about what I knew. I do not ‘know’ the LDS church is true. I do know it has provided me with a great environment as I grew up and a great experience of healing on my mission. (I was very messed up.) I understand and appreciate the LDS and Christian teachings about Jesus Christ. But I do not know exactly what He is to me. He has pulled me out of some very sick situations and healed me. He has spoken to me a couple of times. I know He wrote ‘A Course in Miracles’ which has become more than the Bible to me. He explains his role in the Atonement. Beyond that, I’m not certain of much. I wait for further clarification.

Ever heard an angel laugh? The first time it happened I was on my mission in Indonesia.  I had noticed that several of the other missionaries had powerful testimonies of the truthfulness of the Gospel (LDS interpretation). They all told of how they had fasted and prayed, and then received a personal witness from the Holy Spirit that the Church was true.  I loved the people and the true principles I was teaching.  But I had not received any witness or revelation concerning the importance and truthfulness of the Gospel.  I had prayed about other matters and had little trouble receiving help. I began to feel there was an important gap in my ability to teach.  I needed a flaming testimony too. It often impressed people.

I had prayed several times and received the help I needed.  So I was confident that this time, as in the past, I could go to the Lord and get the help I needed.  I prayed and heard dep in my heart laughter.  Feeling a little ashamed but not knowing why I asked what was so funny about my request?  The answer came back, “You know truth for yourself.”   I thought about it.  I knew that sometimes I read things and felt the goodness and truth of the words in front of me.  It wasn’t the bright flame that others had, but it was enough for me. Later this became important as mounting evidence soon came that the Book of Mormon was fiction. I was somewhat disappointed, but not shaken because my testimony was always in the importance of its teaching; Not that it actually took place.

If I had gotten a testimony like the rest, I probably would have been so certain of myself that I would never have opened up to what came later. I was certain about love and having faith in God.  I knew for certain that loving others, and studying principles of righteousness was important. But ‘knowing the truthfulness of the restoration of the Gospel’ through a witness from the Holy Spirit never took place.  I was left slightly uncertain about many doctrines and practices of my faith.  The effect of this was to leave me rather open to ideas foreign to my upbringing. 

So when I met people who believed in reincarnation, I listened because I knew I didn’t know. When I read about those who had died but then been resuscitated, I wondered. I visited other faiths who had very different perspectives on Christ and the fundamental gospel principles.  I thought about them a lot; again, because I knew I didn’t know much for certain. Dreams, visions and a voice in my mind helped me understand much.  But never gave me any kind of burning passion about any particular doctrine or religion. Some religions demanded that I take a stand against Mormonism.  They might as well ask me to turn against my parents.  Instead I offered to embrace the good they offered. 

Because I wasn’t so sure I ‘knew’, I wandered further than most seeking truth anywhere I could find it.  I read about ‘out of body’ experiences, asked for, and was given my own.  I met a Muslim and a Buddhist. Learned good things from each.  Some thoughts and ideas were revolutionary. For example: according to the bible, when Christ died he cried out, ” Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?“ which was translated: “My God, My God, Why have you forsaken me?”  This cry of desperation is completely the opposite of His usual certainty and confident relationship with His Father.  I have never liked it.  Then I read how the actual Aramaic words can just as well be interpreted: “My God, My God, for this was I saved!” which is a triumphal cry; much more in line with His usual assured self.  The only excuse given for the former interpretation being chosen to be in the bible over the other was: “How could anyone so tortured, in such great pain and so close to death be anything but despairing?”  That’s a good question. Another good question is how many people do we know who can raise the dead and walk on water? How much experience do we have with men like Jesus? How can we say what He would have meant when so much of what He did was in other circumstances was completely unexpected.  I think this is a case of scholars thinking they knew more than they did. Sometimes people just know so much they miss the truth.  I have never been able to share divine truth with anyone who was certain they already knew.

Still later came other reading material by such men as Ramakrishna, Robert Monroe, Kahlil Gibran, and Thoreau.  I learned to think and see the world from many different points of view.  So many things I grew up certain I ‘knew’ I no longer feel so sure about.  One big surprise was when I stumbled onto a third alternative to what happens after death question.  I had only thought the choice was between ‘live once’ or ‘be reincarnated’. But there is a third more complicated choice which combines aspects of both. Interesting, but I don’t really know.  I do think that if another life lived here on earth would help me come closer to God than I have in this life, I would not be opposed to it.  I don’t care how it really works, I just want to reach the point where I can bear to know Jesus.

Getting back to the main point: It was by noticing my rather extensive ignorance which led me to open up to a wonderful world of ideas which I digested much like others do their meals. I understand so much now.  Our Lord has given us such a glorious world to live in.  Not just beautiful because of nature though that does contribute so much.  But a landscape full of ideas and truths, held high and burning brightly in the hearts of so many passionate people. Never let ourselves be so certain we know that we can’t learn more with greater clarity. Treasure a healthy measure of uncertainty.  In any case I think it’s being true that saves, not knowing truth.